The Story of Grey and Blondie

Today in my university cafeteria, I witnessed something that I'm sad to say I don't see a lot of.

I looked over to my left as I was putting my plate away and I saw two boys, both around the same height and about the same age as me (late teens, early twenties). Both were pretty good looking if I'm any judge, both had lightened hair (though on was blonde and one was grey). Both were looking at the other slightly shyly, as though afraid that the other might disappear. Both wore pants that, quite frankly, I think were too tight, but you can't win them all.

But the pants are not the important part of this story!

The important part was the look. I knew that look. I'd seen so many couples share that look that I can probably break it down into it's component emotions: Happiness, hope and a small amount of fear that this wasn't actually real. And then I grinned inwardly as the blond boy put out his hand and laced fingers with the grey boy.

My inner child started cheering in my head that they were brave enough to do that – I had witnessed so much homophobia in my last school, despite the GSA's best efforts. And then, with blondie shyly looking around the hall and grey's eyes firmly set forward, both smiling, they set out of the doors.

Blondie made eye contact with me a couple of times – the first time I grinned widely at him and the second time I think he wasn't certain if I was really smiling at him. I may have come across as a little creepy, but judging from the looks he was giving the room I think he needed the smile.

I was on my way out too, so I ended up following them out of the stairwell. Our stairwell opened to the outside, and that was when I witnessed something saddening: they both let go once they got outside. It looked to be a mutual decision, and one used his phone as a cover up of the reason he'd let go. The cellphone might have worked on me, if I hadn't seen that he was using one hand to browse it. They could have held hands, there was no reason for them to let go that quickly. Yes, it could have been sweaty palms, but in my limited experience it takes a bit before hands get sweaty. They let go too quicky for boys that had been looking to each other the way that I had just seen.

After that, they walked away together. I don't know where they went. I really wanted to follow them, but I decided not to risk a restraining order. They walked close together, perhaps close enough to betray the affection between them, but they made no move to hold the other's hand again.

I'm straight and in a relationship. I relish being able to hold his hand in public – it's such a simple act of affection, but it always makes me smile inside.

Watching blondie and grey in front of me made me wonder if they really were just that uncomfortable being in public. Though, when I think about it, I can imagine some of the reasons why.

I can imagine some of the looks – I received a few of those when I held my sister's hand in a shopping mall in America. We're only two years apart, so it's not as if it's necessary for me to help her navigate sidewalks. As my sister doesn't hug, this is the form of affection that we've reverted to. I was expecting my sister to hold my hand when I held it out to her, but what I wasn't expecting was the looks of hatred we received. My home country, Canada, is better. I can only remember one glare from a Canadian when I held my sister's hand in public. I can imagine that idiots glaring at you constantly would get tiring after a while.

When I was in high school, an acquaintance of mine (let's call him Tee) came out. One day, his boyfriend visited him at school and they sat in the commons holding hands. That was when I learned how low of a tolerance a lot of people have for anyone gay. A group of younger boys threw trash at them, called them names and describing how disgusting they thought it was that gay people existed. Three feet behind them, a heterosexual couple were practically humping each other against a wall, and yet no names were called, no one called them disgusting, no one threw trash at them. All Tee and his boyfriend were doing were holding hands, and apparently it was awful enough that these younger boys felt they had the right to criticize and make fun of the couple.

I am a coward, and I know that the introduction of either of these two things into a relationship would make me either reconsider the relationship or it would make me begin to hate everyone, become a recluse and continue the relationship in secret. I really can only imagine what these guys have to go through everyday, though before today it never really hit home. Something that I take for granted is a source of discomfort to other couples, simply because of people that can't fit anything fabulous in to their narrow world view.

As an atheist, I truly tire of people with narrow world views. However, I have to physically tell people that I don't believe in god, which means that I have to know you to be able to tell you. This wonderful system means few glares for me, though I've had one person stop talking to me, two try to save me and a fourth ask me why I don't go around killing people.

The reason I do not murder is this: because the idea of murder is unappealing and because I value human life, though there are occasionally a few people who are exceptions to the rule. Among them: people who cannot get it into their heads that there is a difference between being an atheist and a satanist, and people who cannot seem to accept that there might be more than one way of living.

Homophobes, I challenge you! If I can resist murdering the next person who asks me why I want to go to hell, then surely you can resist being such an obnoxious arsehole to people who really don't deserve it.

Thursdays According to a French Fry: Epic History People

Hello! I must apologize. I have neglected my blogging duties for the past couple weeks. I can only offer the excuse of a history exam one week, and being distracted by my newfound love for the pairing Naomi/Emily from Skins the next. I shall now attempt to make up for it. I humbly present my post.

So, this week, we're going to talk about an epic historical person you may not have heard about. A woman named Hypatia.

Actually, there was a movie made about her:

(Rachel Weisz as a really smart woman in Egypt. Well, that's a new one.)

Now, despite what the IMDB page would have you believe, the main character of the movie is Hypatia. The story follows her life from when she taught science (the movements of the stars) to men in Alexandria, to the burning of the library of Alexandria, through the rise of Christianity, and finally to her death. It also shows her discovering the idea of a heliocentric model of the solar system (for those of you who don't know, "heliocentric" means that the planets orbit the sun). Now, it would be really, exceptionally cool if that were true. But it probably isn't. However, the real things Hypatia did were still pretty amazing.

(We don't really know what Hypatia actually looked like. This is a photograph of an actress who played her in a theatre production.)

For one thing, she was a scientist. Her father, Theon, taught her mathematics, science, astronomy, literature and the arts. In itself, that is amazing. Women didn't exactly have the same opportunities in Roman Egypt as woman do today. They had some freedom, but were generally expected to be wives. Not only was Hypatia educated, but she taught men about all she learned. She wrote on mathematics and astronomy, and may have invented a couple awesome things (like the plane astrolabe). In essence, Hypatia was a really amazing woman, born before her time.

Unfortunately, her scientific abilities were her downfall.

Hypatia had a fair amount of political influence, particularly over the Prefect of Alexandria, Orestes. Orestes was a pagan (although it's possible he was Christian), like Hypatia, and was in conflict with a man named Cyril, who was the Bishop of St. Mark. Cyril's mission was to rid Alexandria of non-Christians. Orestes and Cyril butted heads, and Hypatia was caught in the middle. A rumour was spread that she was the one obstacle preventing Orestes and Cyril from reconciling.

And one day, while riding her chariot through the streets of Alexandria, an angry mob pulled her out, stripped her naked, beat her and scraped the skin from her bones with shells (or shards of pottery). She died, and her body was torn to pieces, then burned.

It is thought that with Hypatia's death, so too came the end of science in antiquity. She was an incredible woman, who loved science and knowledge, and ultimately died for it.

If you want to find out some more details about Hypatia's life, you can google her, or go to the sites I used to make this post:

http://www.womanastronomer.com/hypatia.htm
http://womenshistory.about.com/od/hypati1/a/hypatia.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypatia

I would also really recommend the movie, Agora. It is currently one of my favourite movies, and it's a great story.

Rubberduck Tuesdays: Winter, CERN (again), Being Yourself, and a Bit of Romance...

In honour of the cold outside my window, the first link I shall present you with is a beautiful selection of comics from a duo you probably know and love. Yes, my pretties, Calvin and Hobbes, all of the best winter comics, in one spot! I know, it`s beautiful. What would you do without me, I wander...

In keeping with my rather physics-y theme, I wish to present something rather funny I discovered on the CERN website. It`s a description of a theoretical physicist, by a theoretical physicist. It made me giggle at the over-all silliness of it all, and I think it proves rather well that you don`t every have to grow up if you don`t want to. :) Take this to heart, Ladies and Gents! Growing old is mandatory, but growing up has always been optional.

Another theme which seems to be returning on this blog is human rights. More specifically, the right to be who you are without discrimination (except if you`re a psychopath. In that case, please keep it way down deep inside of you). About a week and a half ago, I read a newspaper article on a pair of biologically male twins. One, Jonas, loved spiderman and pirates, the other, Wyatt, loved tutus and beads. It became obvious to Wyatt`s parents over time that Wyatt was not their son. She was their daughter. Wyatt now goes by the name Nicole, and she says that she`s happy who she is. Nicole just knew who she was, and when her parents realized that, they made certain to support her and help her out. It was at that point in the article that I broke down. I see too many articles about cases where people hurt or kill other people who can be perceived as different. It`s nice to see a bit of humanity in the world, for a change. For those interested, the article is here. It`s a brilliant read, I recommend it for pretty much anyone with a heart.

And finally (my my, this was a very short blog...) a bit of sappyness, courtesy of China. A young man fell in love with a widow who was 10 years older than him. knowing that society would have trouble accept them, they eloped to the mountains where they lived together for the rest of their lives. To help his wife get down the mountain, he carved out over 6000 steps into the side of the mountain where they lived so that she could get to the town below.

can I hear an awwwwww?

Until next time, Rubberduck out!

Rubberduck Tuesdays: My Physics Craziness

So, today I was going to do the same thing as I did last time and post some neat little links, some of them nerdy, some of them quirky, and then something happened. Then I went on a minor physics binge.

It all started yesterday, when two things happened.

1) I read this article, which, for those of you who don't want to click out of sheer laziness, states that we might not need dark matter for the universe to work the way it does. WHOA! For those of you uncertain about what dark matter is, I suggest reading the article - it explains it heaps better than I can. The gist of it, though, is that we may have to redesign our current theory of the universe.

2) My physics professor told our class that he wouldn't be here come December 13th because he'd be in Europe.

At CERN.

For an event that he wouldn't tell us about (this story just keeps getting more intriguing, no?).

He then urged us to read up on the CERN blogs that are kept. Being the person that I am, I did just that.

I currently attend a university which is very involved in the ATLAS experiment. for those curious, the ATLAS experiment is a part of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) which, apart from also looking for the Higgs boson, also looks at antimatter, extra dimensions, and examines the origins of the universe by simulating the big bang in the LHC. A quick note here: this is from what I understand from reading about ATLAS and, once again, I am open to being corrected.

Here is a picture I found of the machinery behind ATLAS. Yes, that is a model made entirely out of lego. Isn't it awesome?

Another definition which you may or may not need is the Higgs boson particle - it is the particle which gives us mass. If my explanation isn't satisfactory (and I know that it isn't) I'd recommend that you go here, which is a very neat description of what our dear Higgs boson is. My writing here is the summary of their summary, so naturally, there is a fair amount missing.

So, while reading up on the blogs, I found this entry very interesting. According to this blog, we still haven't found the Higgs boson, even though we've done quite a fair amount of searching for it. However, there is only a small area left for it to hide in, which makes me excited. You see, one of two amazing things will happen.:

       One: we find the particle, and we start experimenting and re-writing physics as we go along.

       Two: we fail to find it, at which point we have to re-write a huge chunk of modern theories
            regarding physics and the way the universe works.

So, no matter which way you put it, physics is going to be re-written and science history will be made!

It was at this point in my search that I realized that I could type 'December 13 CERN' into Google and find out what my professor was talking about.

So I did exactly that.

And that's when I found this awesome article and several others like it. Yes, apparently there might be news regarding the Higgs boson soon!

My reaction:

Oh. My. God.

Side note: I love this picture of Bush. He looks more like an overgrown monkey than he usually does.

Anyway!

Think of the things that have been happening in physics lately!

Neutrinos might be faster than light (I covered the reason this might be big news in my last Tuesday entry)!

There might not be such thing as dark matter (though this one is new, so I'm not sure how much I should freak out about it)!

And soon there could be big news about the Higgs boson!

If things continue as they are, physics could be in for a bit of an information revolution soon. Our entire understanding of how the universe works might have to be rewritten!

Take a moment to consider the implications of this.

Several theories with which we've built our knowledge of the universe might have to be scrapped. we'll have to rebuild several models from scratch. Wow, right?

And now, for a note that is only vaguely linked to physics: a theory regarding the Lascaux Caves in France. The Lascaux Caves are a series of caves which have some of the oldest artwork in the world painted on to them. You'll probably recognize the art, it's referenced in pop culture quite a fair amount.

Someone noticed recently that some of the mysterious dots on the walls align with constellations that we know today.
The full article is here, if you're interested. It's fascinating! It gave me shivers. Can you imagine?
Before cities! Before the roman's built roads! Before empires, and astronomy and calculus, and even before agriculture, 17000 years ago, our ancestors stared at the stars.

Rant Day: The Tables at Chapters

We have decided that Fridays will be Rant Day! Please keep in mind that all the things posted here are our personal opinions. We see things, they make us mad, we rant about them. Now you are privy to these amazing pieces of angry genius.

So, without further ado, here's Heather with today's rant:

There are two new tables at Chapters.

Maybe they're not so new anymore, since I noticed them a couple of months ago. In fact, they are technically gone now, though I have been informed by Tanya they have been replaced by others of the same nature, but Christmas themed. However, in the grand scheme of things, if you want to look at our eons-old planet and our even older universe, these tables are fairly recent. And both made my blood boil.

The first table I noticed had a sign on it that read “For fabulous, feisty and funny females.” Directly beneath the sign were the autobiographies of Jane Lynch and Tina Fey, so my immediate assumption was that it was referring to female comedians. And that didn't bother me, because female comedians are fabulously funny. I glanced over the two autobiographies and turned away.

Only to find myself face-to-face with another table, which was topped by a sign that read “Books Every Man Should Have.” Right below that sign was a book we all know and love: Charles Darwin's The Origin of Species.

Je m'excuse?

Upon examining the table more closely, I found that it contained books on politics, science, economics, writing, sports, and Harley-Davidsons. A horrifying thought came over me. I turned back to the table with Jane Lynch and Tina Fey, desperately hoping I was wrong.

The table was not a celebration of female comedians.

Instead, “Fabulous, feisty and funny females” was referring to me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm fucking hilarious and pretty damn fantastic, but that's not all I am. After standing before the table in utter disbelief for a few minutes, I discovered that it contained chick-lit, cookbooks, autobiographies, and Jersey Shore (apparently Snooki can write. Who knew).

Well then.

Here's the thing. I've wanted to be various things in my life. A firefighter, an artist, a veterinarian, an author, an archaeologist, a journalist, a historian – all of which are generally male dominated occupations. However, for the majority of my childhood, not one person told me I couldn't do something because I was girl. Throughout my life, I could read any book I damn well pleased, and be interested in any topic I wanted to be interested in. My gender was incidental. I was encouraged by every member of my family to follow my dreams and become whatever I wanted.

As such, it wasn't until I discovered the internet that I realized that blatant sexism still exists in our world. All you need to do is think about how the word “feminazi” to understand that. Feminism is seen as something negative. But the truth is, we still live in a culture where people are led to believe that certain professions are for boys, and certain professions on for girls.

And now, according to Chapters, as a girl, I'm only supposed to be interested in the lives of famous people, romance, cooking, and “reality” TV. And The Origin of Species is just too complicated for my poor, delicate, female brain to understand.

Whoa hold up, I can hear you say, just because they labelled the tables that way doesn't mean you can't read up on Evolution.

Well, duh.

However, as with many things in society, I'm being pushed to think that I should want to read certain topics. And y'know, there are plenty of girls out there who would LOVE to read about Snooki or flip through a cookbook. More power to them! But maybe there are some boys out there who want to read about the same thing. Do you think they're likely to pick up a copy of Jane Lynch's autobiography? Seriously. Think about it. How many guys do you know would admit to reading romance novels on a regular basis?

Yeah, I don't know that many either. Not they don't exist, I'm just saying that most boys won't admit for fear of being called *gasp!* girly.

By grouping certain books into categories of gender, society may not be saying “As a woman, you are never allowed to read a book about science!” However, it is encouraging us to stay within those neat little roles assigned to us at birth because of the absence or presence of a penis. It's an unfortunate fact that there are still less girls in science programs than there are boys. Just ask Limey. She is a physics major, and I believe there are 9 girls in her class, in total. More and more programs in schools are being created to encourage girls' interests in science, but it's not enough. Not when at every turn, girls (and boys) are presented with set topics and things they are supposed to like and be interested in. Right down to something as innocent as colours! Pink for girls and blue for boys.

That's what has me so angry with Chapters. I'd like to know what exactly they think they are saying. I suppose it is innocent enough. They probably just think they will make more money if they aim certain books at certain groups of people. Unfortunately, this time they have managed to perpetuate negative gender roles. Some girls want to read about Darwin just as much as some boys, and some boys want to read a cookbook just as much as some girls.

In case you're wondering, the tables are apparently now called "Gifts for Her" and "Gifts for Him."

Thursdays According to a French Fry: On Coming Out

Hey Kids!

As you may have gathered from my introduction (unless you inexplicably believe Heather is a boy's name), I am gay. I suppose, technically, being a woman who finds other women hot, I am a lesbian. However, I have always referred to myself as gay, so whatever. I reserve the right to choose my own society-given label. Thank you very much.

Anyway, the point of this is that I am gay, and that lots of other people are gay. However, a lot of these people are young and in the closet. And the thing is, a lot of the stories on the internet are absolutely terrifying to hear for a young person who may be considering telling their parents they prefer a person with the same plumbing as themselves. Getting kicked out, losing friends, suicide, what have you – I know I was scared to come out. But I did, and I am so much better for it.

So, here is my story.

The first inkling that I may have a slightly different sexuality than most people came when I was about 11 or 12. To be honest, I'm not sure. You see, around that time, people were starting to get crushes. The girls were atwitter about boys and the boys were busily pulling the girls' pigtails. However, when I looked at boys, I felt nothing.

Nada.

Niet.

I didn't have crushes on anybody. No boys, no girls. 19-year-old me would have wondered if perhaps I was actually asexual (which means, for you lot who don't know, that I wouldn't have any sexual desire at all). But 12-year-old me came to the terrifying conclusion that perhaps I was a lesbian.

A lesbian. To my pre-teen ears, even the word sounded horrible (Sadly, this is actually what led to me referring to myself as gay, and not a lesbian, later on). I was scared. I was so, so scared. I don't think I can begin to explain to you the utter terror that gripped my body at the thought. Thinking about it now...to be honest, I almost want to cry. No child should ever feel that fear. In fact, no human being should ever feel it. I was already different enough, I thought, I was quiet, shy, sarcastic to a fault sometimes, and I liked to read more than anyone I knew. In this one thing, why can't I be the same?

So I pushed it away. I pushed it down. Sitting on my school bus, staring out the window, I decided that no matter what, I would marry a man. I would fall in love and have sex with and marry a male human being. I couldn't be gay.

I decided all of this at the age of 12.

Now, before I continue, I should let you know that my family is quite the possibly the least homophobic people you will ever meet. No, really. Even back then. My aunt is a lesbian. Some of parents' best friends were gay. It was never presented to me by my parents as something that was wrong. I cannot imagine what it would be like if your family wasn't accepting of you. Because all of my fear stemmed from society. I was scared because heterosexual was the norm. That is what society teaches kids. It is still teaching that. Every time you hear the phrase “gay quota” to describe a TV show that has reached its “maximum limit of gay people because god forbid there's more than two.” Or “That's so gay” to describe something stupid. “Faggot,” “dyke,” all of those kinds of words. They hurt, and they hurt kids who are questioning their sexuality so much more.

All of that, however, is for another day to rant about.

My decision to remain rainbow-free came with a few interesting results. The first being that I forced myself to have a crush on my best friend at the time. That didn't last however. He was my best friend, and that's all I saw in him. Second, there was guy when I was in the seventh grade. At 13, I picked him as my next crush victim. I forced myself to like him. So well, actually, that I might have succeeded. At the time, I celebrated internally because I honestly thought I had a crush on him. And who is to say that I didn't? Sexuality is fluid, after all.

Then I met Sally (For the record, actually, I'm changing all these names, just in case).

Now, this is interesting. Sally is currently a very, very good friend that I don't get to see very often. At one point, she was my best friend. She is also the first girl I had a legitimate crush on. Now, I have no idea whether or not she will read this. And if I had my choice, she would never find out about my crush on her. Even with the name change, she's smart enough to figure it out. But I can't in good conscience leave her out of this story, because she is such an integral part to me finally, finally accepting who I am. So, Sally-you-know-who-you-are-right, if you are reading this...I am sorry. I feel like I've betrayed you slightly by never telling you this (though honestly, I wonder if you suspected. You always were good at telling if someone liked you), however please understand that your friendship has been so, so important to me, and I just couldn't risk losing it, even if I didn't have those feelings anymore. Please know that now, in the present, I think of you as a sister, and I am truly over any romantic feelings I had for you. Also, I suppose I should thank you, because you did help me come to terms with my sexuality, though you didn't know it at the time.

I met Sally when I was 15. She had moved to our school a year before, and then was in the same class as me in the ninth grade. She was friends with my two best friends at the time, and she was sort of adopted into our group. There is no defining moment when I realized I liked her. Not that I remember, anyway. I remember hearing her sing for the first time and being mesmerized. I remember fighting my feelings for her tooth and nail. I remember lying to her when she asked me if I liked anyone. And I remember accepting that she was the one I had a crush on. Again, there was no defining moment. My heart beat faster when I saw her, I stumbled over my words in front of her (at least, I thought I did), and I thought her the most beautiful girl I had ever met. I had never felt anything like it before, and after a while, I just had to accept that I was not only attracted to her, but that I was very deeply in like with her.

I figured I was bisexual at that point. And I decided to keep it to myself. All through Grade Nine, I said nothing. Eventually, she became one of my best friends (puts a twist on the old falling in love with your best friend thing, eh?), but the feelings didn't go away. In fact, at the beginning of Grade 10, I remember being somewhat of a bitch to her, something she called me out on rather quickly (I'm sorry!). I have learned, since then, that when I'm truly crushing on someone in a major way, it's for a long time. In fact, there have been three girls in total that I've had huge crushes on. I think of them as the Big Three, because I've had smaller crushes on other girls, but nothing like those. So, the crush lasted for a while. Longer than I like to admit to myself, honestly.

All through this time, though, I was learning. I found this wonderful thing called fanfiction. Specifically, femslash. For those who don't know, femslash is when two women from a particular TV show, movie, or book are paired together romantically. And upon finding myself flustered and somewhat turned on after reading a...raunchier fanfic, I decided that there was no doubt I liked girls. I also found, through these fanfics, a group of other women who liked women. And it seemed like there were a lot. Out of all the things that made me feel like it was OK for me to be gay, I think the fanfic is what helped the most – it showed me that I wasn't alone. That these feelings I had were normal and that it was going to be OK.

And that brought me to Grade 11. Caught up in a whirl wind of what I can only refer to as drama that year, I found my liking of Sally slowly diminishing. She was becoming, instead, simply my best friend. In chemistry, the two of us would often sit together, even though our assigned seats were not. I would just draw my chair up to her desk. It became the norm.

But I still hadn't quite shed my crush. And one day Sally wasn't in chemistry. So I found myself sitting next to my friend Julie.

I fully believe that in another life, Julie was a politician. Or some kind of Roman Orator, a la Marc Antony. She has the ability to convince people to do things, and to get information from them. Fortunately, she uses this ability for good. Or at least in my case she did.

“So, who do you like?” She asked me.

I rolled my eyes and gave the same bullshit answer I gave anyone who asked.

“No one,” I said wearily. “Honestly.”

“I don't believe you,” she said flatly. “Who is it?”

“Seriously. No one.”

“You're lying! Who is it?”

“Even if I did like someone, I wouldn't tell you.”

“What!? Why?”

“Because you would just sit there and make fun of me.” Truthfully, I was scared she would simply reject me. Julie and I used to have debates about religion when we were 14, she being on the religious side and me being on the “well maybe but eh I dunno” side. More specifically, we once had a debate about gay marriage, which she said was undeniably wrong. Fortunately, her views have since changed.

“I won't. I promise,” she said. “Please tell me?”

“No.”

“So you do like someone!”

“I didn't say – whatever, I'm not telling you who it is.”

“Tell me! Please?” She begged. “Come on, just tell me who it is.”

I refused to meet her gaze, choosing instead to look at my chemistry work. Tears were starting to build up in my eyes.

“Heather?” Julie's voice sounded vaguely concerned.

I looked up at her. She was slightly taken aback at my pained expression.

“Heather, seriously, why is it so hard to tell me?” She asked, voice lowered.

I turned to face straight ahead. And with that, I said the most difficult words I have ever said in my life.

“It's not a boy,” I whispered, and tensed, waiting.

There was a long, long, long moment of silence. So long. I didn't dare look at her, waiting for the inevitable backlash, the moment when she would quickly get up and walk to sit with someone else, the horribly disappointed look she would have -

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” Julie said. “So who is it?”

From that day forward, Julie became my confidante. I really hope she knows how much she helped me through those months, because they were exceedingly difficult. Finally being able to talk to someone about these feelings I had been having was amazing. My self-esteem skyrocketed that year. I had never felt so much like myself. I could finally just be who I was around someone without worrying about revealing too much. You see, any of my friends will tell you that I am girl crazy. Watching movies or TV shows, I am always the one to go “Oh, she's hot.” But I couldn't do that before Julie. I couldn't talk about who I found hot and who I didn't. It was incredibly liberating. I hadn't realized how much of a weight it had been, lying to everyone around me. And here I was finally free.

Well. Kind of.

At Christmas, I finally came out to Sally. To this day, she is mad that I didn't come out to her first, because “I'm your best friend! What the hell, Heather!” But I hope this provides some insight into why I didn't. As it was, when I finally told her, she grinned, kicked me in the foot, and made an “awwww” sound. For some reason people find it cute when they discover I have sexual or romantic feelings. It's like I'm some sort of animal that has learned to fetch.

When school reconvened, I told my other best friend, Joanne, to which she replied: “Oh, OK.”

All that was left was my parents.

I was driving home with my Dad when I let it slip to him. We were discussing school and my friends, when I let slip the crush I had on Sally. I looked at him fearfully. He said nothing.

“You do realize what I just told you, right?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I wasn't sure. You could have just had a minor girl crush.”

That was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. I'm sure it happens, but I mean, I knew by then that I really, definitely liked girls.

“No,” I said. “I like girls.”

“OK,” he said, and glanced at me. “You have to tell your Mom too. This isn't something you can just leave with me.”

“Will she be OK with it?” I asked.

“She should be - well,” he hesitated. “She's a littler more conservative than I am. But honestly, honey, you'll be fine.”

My Dad is super liberal. Like, “What do you mean, people still think being gay is wrong?” liberal. So by saying my Mom is slightly more conservative than him, he may as well have said she was the leader of the NDP.

So when I got home, I went upstairs to face the music. She was in her bathroom, putting on make up.

“Hey Mom?” I said.

“Hi, honey!” She replied, smiling at me.

I leaned against the doorframe to the bathroom and crossed my arms, trying to look nonchalant.

“So, um,” I searched for the right words, and finally gave up. “I like girls.”

She looked up at, one eyebrow raised and slightly confused smile on her face.

“Do you think?” She asked (this was not said sarcastically. It was an honest question).

“Yeah,” I said. And laughed. “I'm really sure.”

“Well, OK,” she nodded.

We then proceeded to start joking around rather loudly. Downstairs, my Dad suspected a disaster and raced to the bottom of the stairs to listen. My mother and I found him standing there five minutes later, looking petrified.

“What?” I asked.

“I heard yelling,” he said. “Is everything OK?”

“Yeah,” I smiled. “Everything is fine.”

I was lucky. I am still lucky. When I came out, I had an incredible support system of friends and family. They love and accept me for who I am, and they always will. I know how amazing that is. I am so happy, every day, that I can talk freely about being gay to my family and my friends. But I know that not everyone has that. I wanted to tell this story because a lot of coming out stories are negative. I just wanted to show that sometimes it isn't. And to those who couldn't have this, who know that they're parents would kick them out or reject them if they came out – well, someday, someone is going to come along who will love and accept you for who you are. I'm sorry it isn't your parents, and who knows? Maybe one day they will come around. But I know, I just know, that someday your Julie will come along. Someday there will be people who you can talk to, someday you will fall in love, someday it will get better. If there is anyone out there considering suicide, or hurting themselves, please, please, stick around. This world we live in is amazing. There are some terrible people in it, but there are also so many absolutely wonderful ones. I don't want you to miss it.

Rubberduck Tuesdays: Some internet nonsense

*Epic theme music*

So! For my incredible, amazing, daring, sexy and, not least of all, riveting blog today, I figured I should share some interesting bits that I've picked up on the intertubes through the last week.

First off: the invention that you never knew you needed: sleep headphones. That's right! I'll let you take a moment to absorb how utterly awesome that is.

The second thing is something that I only found this morning: How statistics-based translators (like google translate) helped to break a code from the 18th century. This, folks, is the power of applied math. Looking at a language statistically helps you work out what words might be used for what, depending on how commonly they occur throughout the manuscript, what words they might be placed with, the context of the surrounding sentences, and tonnes of other mathematical cues.

I'd very much like to point out that this is proof of the universal application of math. Roomie says it's useless, simply because (I am quoting her here) she's probably never going to have to go much father than addition in her lifetime, but maths runs through everywhere. Even if you never do the math yourself, everything you do has a mathematical current running through it. You buy a rubber duck: that goes into statistics for the demographic that buys rubber ducks, how many rubber ducks were sold, whether placement affected product sales, and a heap of other stats like that. using those, they calculate the size of the market, what price they can get away with selling them for, what placement would maximize profits, whether they should carry them at this store at all, and other decisions are made based on these stats.

You see what happened? You made a decision which influenced the statistics, which were then turned into maths (sweet, sweet math) and finally came right back around to impact the supermarket you shop at. You influenced math which influenced you.

My third piece of internet nonsense is a physics-y bit. OH MY DEAR GOSH, THEY RAN THE NEUTRINO EXPERIMENT AGAIN AND THE RESULTS WERE THE SAME. My physics class had decided that it was probably an error in calculations or an undiscovered experimental error that no one had made allowances for in the math, but the likelihood of that seems to be shrinking. Can you imagine what would happen if this is true? For neutrinos to be going faster than light, they would have to have a smaller mass than light. This would mean that light would have to have mass!   
(for any physics students reading this now: I realize that light having mass is a little more complicated than that, but I have tried explaining this to non-physics/maths students and got met with empty stares, so for now, the short answer is 'no'. Also, I am only a first year, so what I know I know from interpreting books, not actually having done the math myself. On top of this, I sometimes interpret wrong)

To explain my excitement behind light having mass, I need to very quickly explain something about the universe. If something has mass, it has it's own gravitational pull. If we envision space like a big rubber sheet (thank you, Stephen Hawking) then placing an object on the sheet warps it, creating a big dip. This dip in space is basically gravity. If light has mass, that means it has gravity, which in turn means that it is warping the fabric of the universe. When I worked this out, my initial reaction was "holy shit!"

The results are probably the result of an error, but if it isn't then this could be huge in physics! can you imagine the books that would have to be re-written, the equations they would have to change? The mind boggles!

And my fourth and final  piece of internet nonsense is yet another proof of the power of maths: the lottery. Or rather, the lottery being won 4 times by a woman with a PhD in maths because she worked out the algorithm.

Right? Who ever said maths was boring? Not me.


On that note, I finish with a quote by Richard P. Feynman, which I found on the back of our physics society shirts (I really, really want one of those shirts):
“Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it.”

Before I leave, I want to quickly note the reason why I'm not tagging this post: Heather told me that if I didn't tag this, then she would, and that apparently that would be a problem. So I challenge Heather, with you all as my witness: Do your worst!

Rubberduck Out!

Edit by the Heather: So, I totally came here with the intention of tagging this thing with a lot of stuff and awesomeness. But blogger has a character limit for tags. Who knew? But I wrote them down, and here they are: math, sleep headphones, rubberduck, tuesday, language, statistics, Roomie, physics, neutrinos, complicated things that are crazy, lottery, badass science people who are badass, sex, Tanya I'd just like to say that I really enjoyed this post, I want sleep headphones, I would also like some chocolate cake, would anyone else like some chocolate cake?, there was a spelling mistake here that I noticed but I can't find it, I have a rainbow flag, that is awesome, I like it, well I shall leave you here, have a nice day